Poetry

A Lifelong Course

Hanging onto your every word
like an eager student at my teacher’s feet
You don’t need a lecture hall and an overhead projector
or a coffee stain on your corduroys
Your textbook stretches out over thousands of years
with scarlet thread running through the pages
In between worn leather binding
your words are truth preserved
And even though your hall is packed with
students young and old seeking answers
you still take time out from your lecture
to smile right at me
‘Cause it’s a lifelong course
and I’m happy to spend it
listening at your feet

***

Your eyes too soon were blinded by the sun,
And thus you lost your way among the light.
A path as such is oft the chosen one—
For who would want a star that isn’t bright?

Instead try seeking comfort in the moon.
Within her lies a soft reflecting glow.
She carries in her heart a joyful tune—
Search in her depths, you’ll find it’s one you know.

For though the sun is fair as fair—it’s true!
You know her love has burned your heart before.
The moon will share her light only for you—
She sits and waits for you at darkness’s door

The careless sun turns many heads a day,
But your loving moon will not turn you away.

***

Sad Blue Eyes

Sad blue eyes
and a heart that called to mine
like a beacon.
Just a boy—
long hair curling against the collar
of your stonewashed jean jacket.
Earring in one ear,
mad at the world,
and sometimes at me.
We hardly dared to touch
but you touched me all the same.
You didn’t know that
I never cared about
the trash-strewn streets you had to tread through
to share even half of your smile.
Because I thought you were made of stars,
shining in the darkness,
full of life.
I had nothing to give you except my laugh,
and even that wasn’t enough
to keep you.
When I was a girl,
I didn’t understand
why the smile stopped short
of your sad blue eyes.

***

Someday in heaven
when the worries of this world
are but a washed out memory
and your eyes are forever filled with light
you’ll take my hand
and whirl me into the wilderness
We’ll be young again
because that’s how I remember you best
Maybe you’ll even have your trumpet box with you
and I’ll be clutching an ancient stuffed monkey
for old times’ sake
And I’ll chase you through the woods
your grin daring me on
like a bonfire drawing me to you
But instead of burning we’ll be free
and your hand in mine will heal
without all the pain lurking behind
Because here on Earth
we’re just two broken people
who never quite got a chance
to mend each other’s hearts
But heaven’s forest is where our hearts will fly
And I for one can’t wait to see you soar
running through the endless trees
without the sting of shadows in your soul

You’ll skid to a stop and that’s when I’ll see
a massive tree
spreading over the fields
like a king’s castle calling us to glory
A tree this majestic never existed on Earth
but I think God must have made it just for us
Because he wanted to see your grin
sliding into mischief as you start to make the climb
And he wanted to hear my laugh
echoing through the branches as I follow you
You’ll insist on the branch with the best view
whatever that means
and I’ll indulge you
even though the limbs are thick and tangled
and we’re so high the ground looks imaginary
But when we stop you’ll draw in a breath like you’re home
and I’ll settle beside you in the sunlight
resting my head on your shoulder ’cause I’m home too
and your breath will catch again
while your arms wrap around me
and this time neither one of us will pull away

We’ll watch the sunbeams drift through the leaves
and taunt anyone who’s fool enough to disturb us
raining acorns down on their heads until they retreat
And you’ll laugh like you’ve never laughed on Earth
not even on those bus rides with me
all those years ago
And maybe far below us
leaning against the trunk of our tree
will be your trumpet box
and my stuffed monkey
for old times’ sake

***

Just Another Pet Horse

There’s a look in your eyes
like you once knew more
than your safe little pen
Because all I see is a stallion
pawing the ground
yearning to break free
But you can’t
(Or maybe you won’t)
And I can’t figure out what’s keeping you there
when out here in the wild
I’m waiting for you
The wind is whipping through my mane
as I call to you from over the ridge
hoping you’ll join me in the meadow
where the grass is sweet
and the freedom is even sweeter
And I wonder
is it worth it?
Will you ever jump over that fence?
Or will you pace and fret in your pen
until the day she comes
saddle and harness in her hand to tame you?
The day she rides you
my hooves will beat upon the grass
so fierce you’ll feel them echoing through you
And the wilderness will weep
as a magnificent stallion becomes
just another pet horse

***

Dark Unicorn

Dark unicorn
riding through the shadows between
all your contradictions
Do you know me?
Sometimes you look at me and I think
maybe you do
If nothing else, I know you
I’d recognize you anywhere
Even though your horn is broken
and your magic has faded
you’re still a unicorn
and I’ve always been drawn to the dark ones
Especially when I can still see
some of your starlight
peeking through the night
Someone rode you hard
like maybe she couldn’t see the rainbows
you were chasing in your heart
And those rainbows became the tears
that streaked your mane with gray
and the shadows in you deepened into disbelief
Because what good is magic
when you’re just an old horse
put out to pasture?
But you aren’t a horse
and I’d never presume to ride you
because unicorns need to be free
And maybe you’d want to climb the clouds again
and chase the rainbows with me
like you did when you were new
I wish I could have met you
when your dreams burned inside you
hotter than your coldest doubt
And the darkness didn’t matter so much
because you had all the time in the world
to subdue it
Before you became this
dark unicorn
standing in front of me lost in the shadows
between all your contradictions
In the night you look at me and I think
maybe you do know me
the way I know you
after all…

***

Inside his heart
she saw light
fighting to break free
and follow a dream in the sky
Only her magic could turn fear into flight
and with her he flew

They swirled their song across the stars
and curled like kittens inside a cocoon
And the darkness never touched them again
unless they wanted it to

***

The fairies flit around his face
Waving the wisps of his hair
with their beating butterfly wings
They pick him up with superfairy strength
and carry him over the harvest moon
where the sky is sweet with stars
They get drunk on moonbeams
and he forgets about the world for a while
He kisses their wings
and tastes magic
And when he arrives
back on the stable earth
the stardust is still fresh in his eyes
And he has a pinch of fairy dust
sparkling in his shirt pocket
for later

***

If you know who I am
and you’re waiting on God
and climbing up an icy mountain with jagged rocks all around you
when all you want is to run back to the warmth and safety
of the fire that you built that he’s asking you to forsake
for the chance to find your forever love and fill all your empty dreams
I just want you to know
that I know you too
And I’m climbing the other side
of that same mountain
laying down all of the junk that’s built up inside me
during my own long lonely climb
in the hope that you’ll be waiting for me
whenever I reach the top
So go and burn your Valentine for one more year without me
I’m sorry I haven’t been there with you when I know you’re looking for me
I think about you every day
I want to be the one you always come home to
And we’ll build a new fire together
something that burns clean and pure and will spark throughout the world
So this is your sign
Come meet me on the top of the mountain
and let’s get this fire started

***

Sometimes I look
at the sheepy sheep
whiling away all their years in sheep-like solidarity
with nothing but the steady earth underneath their hooves
and their young frolicking in the fields
and I wonder why
Why can’t I be happy living like that?
Why do I have to notice the jungle
creeping up behind them?
And not just notice it
but live in it?
Because I don’t feel like I belong with them
Because they don’t know what it’s like
to spend all of your days
looking down at your striped coat and your wild need for change
feeling like a tiger sheep instead of a sheep
Some cursed, half bred creature that shouldn’t ever be
both predator and prey
fierce and scared
brave and wounded
Not a sheep, not a tiger
Not anything that anyone seems to want or care for

I’ve been living out here for a long time
and I haven’t been devoured yet
because the monsters see me like I see myself
striped with scars and slashing claws and teeth
I’m just a little sheep who should have died years ago
and I may look all sweet and innocent
like your favorite kitty curled up sleeping on your bed
But in the jungle, I’m a tiger
and I fight monsters that most sheep can’t even imagine

The only one who sees me as a sheep is the shepherd
who comes and walks with me every day
He combs my matted wool until it’s as soft and fluffy
as whipped clouds ringed with his light
and every day he asks me to come home

But where is home?
And why does it have to be underneath a steeple
filled with sheep who don’t know anything about the jungle
who don’t even walk or talk with the shepherd anymore
but instead read stories about him
in a book written by men who have been dead for thousands of years?
Because what I’ve found
is that in the jungle they don’t know I’m a sheep
but they don’t know I’m a sheep in church either
And sometimes I’m not sure what’s worse
the jungle
or being stuck in that sheep pen

And more than anything else I want to know
is there any place for me in your kingdom?
A place where I can walk in the wilderness
without being afraid of either jungle monsters or those sheepy sheep
A place where there are other sheep like me?
Because there are wild sheep, right?
Why can’t I be a wild sheep in your kingdom?
A John the Baptist or a Moses or a David?
Why can’t I fight for you
instead of fighting meaningless monsters
in a lost and condemned place that I know isn’t home?

And most of all
will I ever find another tiger sheep?
Or am I doomed to roam this jungle alone
as both predator and prey
fierce and scared
brave and wounded
Not a sheep, not a tiger
Not anything that anyone seems to want or care for
except for you

***
Invisible Prophet

I have so much to say
but no one listens
I remember being six years old
pouring my heart out to my mom about the feelings I was getting
from the people around me
that I was too young to see but I did
I think I scared her
I remember breaking down sobbing in the car that day
because she got angry and didn’t understand
and I scared me too

It’s been like that my whole life
people shutting me out whenever I dare to have an opinion
and I used to say the things I see
but now I don’t
I can’t
Because how can I?
When my way is blocked and boxed in everywhere I go
and walls that weren’t even there a minute ago
seem to pop up in front of me
then disappear as soon as the next person comes along

It’s like I’m cursed
and you would never know it
Because I’m beautiful
and I’m everything you want in a woman
but people act like I’m a monster more often than not
They talk over me or around me or don’t even look at me
Most of the time they don’t seem to hear or see me
like I’m invisible
like I don’t exist
like I’m someone to avoid instead of embrace
when all I long for is to find someone
who just once will listen to me
and maybe understand

And even though the light in me
burns with a fierce brightness
I think maybe it’s a little too much like
standing in the sunlight when you’re naked for most people
and so I learned
through many built-up years of rejection
to hide that light and not to speak about anything at all

I’ve never found a home with people
and I don’t think I’ve had anyone or anywhere I belonged to
for longer than a season
God is the only one who smiles at me on those long cold winter nights
and his love has been sustaining me
like sweet rain while I wander in the desert
with his voice burning in my heart and on my lips
And everyone says they want to be a prophet
but I’m telling you
you don’t
because most days
all I want is for him to stop showing me things
that no one wants to hear about
and leave me alone
so maybe I can finally be like the rest of you

Because knowing things I shouldn’t know
about the people around me
and seeing things I shouldn’t see
about what’s coming
is not a blessing
but a burden and a weight
that makes me want to curl up and cry for them all
And I do cry
and I pray
and some days I can hardly even get out of bed
So much pain
So much fear
So much dark and evil swirling all around me
around all of us
and I don’t know how I keep a hold onto the light most days
but somehow I do
Somehow God’s hand shields me from it all
And John Coffey was right when he said, “I’m tired, boss”
because
I
am
so
tired

Will one of you listen?
Will one of you understand?
Or will you pass by this invisible prophet
like everybody else?