Dear Lady Who Yelled at Me and Called Me Bad Words Because She Thought I Was Trying to Poach Her Man,

I had the displeasure of meeting you in the grocery store tonight. I hate the grocery store, especially when it’s during what I refer to as Normie Visiting Hours, which are all of the hours between approximately 10 AM to 7:00 PM when the store is filled with way too damn many normies poking around and getting in the way and it’s not open Just For Me ™️ the way I want it to be.

But I am far away from home in Poughkeepsie, NY tonight. And after being awake since 7:00 AM and then having to load the rest of my burn stuff into my car in 80+ degree heat up and down four flights of stairs, plus drive 3 hours through unfamiliar territory to my hotel room, I was tired and did not want to wait to go shopping until Normie Visiting Hours were over.

At first I was glad that I didn’t wait. Because a nice man helped me to get down the bag of chips I wanted from the top shelf, and when the store is open Just For Me ™️ I often have to improvise to get things down. It’s not easy being 4’10” in a big scary world, you know, and I sometimes have to get creative when it comes to dealing with the top shelves of this world.

I was saying thank you and smiling at the guy, just being nice and grateful to him when all of a sudden you showed up and accused me of trying to steal your man, when I didn’t know he was taken and I wasn’t flirting with him whatsoever. You also called me a whole lot of words that I’m too much of a lady to write down.

And I don’t even know what to say to that. Because I truly don’t think I’m all that attractive. Maybe mildly to moderately cute on a good day, but I do know how to dress super fabulously so I will give myself points for that 😄

But guys want to give me stuff. And do stuff for me. Kind of a lot actually.

And somehow it’s my fault? When I barely know how to flirt, and I’m not flirting or showing any interest in these guys. I’m not some kind of tart, in spite of everything you called me, and I don’t like having guys bother me (or anyone bothering me really 🫣😅) while I’m out and about shopping or whatever.

Like, it was only about five years ago when I finally realized that a guy who invites you over to his place to see his dog doesn’t really want you to see his dog, if you know what I’m saying, so it’s not like I’m some sort of mastermind hellbent on destroying your relationship. I’m mostly demisexual, and most guys don’t do it for me if I’m being honest. And when I talk to them I’m mostly just talking to them to be nice and friendly, not because I want them to, you know, invite me over to their place to see their dog.

The reason why I’m telling you all of this is because I promise you that I don’t want your man. You can have him. Unless he looks like a Nordic Santa Claus (long blondish-to-reddish hair, beard, not too tall, twinkling eyes, a bit of belly) then all bets are off 😍 And I can assure you that your balding dark-haired pouchy-and-slouchy looking man was definitely not getting me all worked up in the chip aisle at Stop & Shop at 6:00 in the evening.

Can we finally get started on building that matriarchy now? I’m tired of women piling on other women when all I was doing was trying to get my Utz Dark Russet chips down from the top shelf in the grocery store tonight.

No Love,
The Bewildered Girl Wearing Daisies in Her Hair Who Triggered You Something Fierce

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