Dear Online Dating Stalker,
You keep messaging me on various dating apps because you’re salty about something that happened almost two years ago.
First of all, I hate online dating. Like, I hate it so much I wish I could just crumple it up into a ball filled with dynamite, light it on fire, throw it off of the top of the Grand Canyon, and watch it explode in mid-air. I hate having to spend ages taking pictures of myself all dolled up looking super cute in my best outfits only to get likes from massively overweight balding guys with grainy selfies taken from an up the nose angle in their filthy bathroom. I hate how said guys are also the ones voted most likely to send me creepy messages about how beautiful I am when they look like not even garden gnomes, but like, Cheeto-crusted basement gnomes who have never seen daylight except through a screen.
And by some miracle if I do manage to match with a halfway decent guy, he either starts asking me inappropriate questions from the minute we start chatting, wants me to meet him at his house right away like it’s DoorDash but for sex and he’s ordering me off the menu, or he’s nice but borderline illiterate (hbu, wyd, how r u, mixes up your/you’re, their/they’re/there, etc).
Because of this I usually give up online dating after like, a week or two max and then I don’t go back again for another six months to a year.
But you? Wow dude, you’re still sending me angry messages about something from two years ago that I barely remember it’s been so long?
For the record, I did not unmatch you because you are disabled. I don’t even remember you telling me about that. And besides, I’m disabled too.
I deleted my entire account on the app we were speaking on because I was tired of all of the bullshit surrounding online dating and needed a break.
It had absolutely nothing to do with you.
But because you keep hounding me about it every time I dare to dip my toes back in the dating pool, I’m never going to engage with you again, so give it up already and let it go.
Because something I’ve learned in life is that if something is for you, it’s for you. And nothing you do will change that. But if it’s not, it’s not. And you can’t force it. It has to come to you. And if it’s meant to be yours, it will be.
But if it’s not, it won’t.
I’m sorry I’m not for you. But I hope you find someone else who will be for you.
Heck, I hope I do too so I can get off of these dang apps.
Your Fellow Prisoner in Online Dating App Hell,
Emily
