Dear Amazon Porch Pirate,
I bet you’re not even one of those cool pirates with an eyepatch and a talking parrot on your shoulder.
I don’t know anything about you, and I don’t think I care to.
But I do know that you stole my Amazon package today.
What kind of desperate degenerate are you, that you had to rip open the smiley happy brown Amazon envelope and leave it empty on my mom’s porch?
I could understand if I had something cool in there, but nope. It was a few bottles of vitamins and a new toothpaste I’m trying out with nano hydroxyapatite because in case you couldn’t tell from my order, I’m kind of a granola cruncher.
However, this hippie thinks you’re a dippy.
And I’m now thinking about switching to Team Ninja.
A Pox Upon Thee, Ye Scurvy Dog,
The Wench with the Vitamins and Toothpaste
